Two Elon alumni (2002) have pooled their talents to bring excitement and joy to your day. One is a classy woman who combines her Italian and feminine powers to influence men of all shapes and sizes. The other is a tall blond man who relies on wit and boyish good looks to impress women, especially when they're drunk. Join them in their epic pursuit of the phenomenon known as adulthood. NoSalesTax side effects may include addiction and abrupt laughter as colleagues look on in confused jealousy.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

My Hometown Newspaper

After last weekend's flooding in my hometown of Keene, NH, I thought I'd check out the Keene Sentinel's webpage for some local news. I was treated to a hearty laugh after reading this week's online poll and choices. Enjoy...

On Wednesday night, 150 residents gathered to discuss future improvements to Keene's downtown. Sentinel staffers have come up with a list of six improvements they'd like to see in the next 20 years but we need your input to help us pick three. We'll publish your top three choices in a coming issue of The Sentinel.

___ Cheesecake Factory

___ River Walk

___ Monorail

___ Space Needle

___ Teen Center

___ More Pizza Joints

Side note: Keep in mind Keene boasts 20,000 residents (25k when college is in session). How anyone can lump pizza and The Cheesecake Factory w/ a Monorail and Space Needle is beyond me. That's like asking a high school junior if he'd rather have sex with the cute girl in his math class or Jessica Simpson.

Not a snowball's chance...

Today I realized I am probably too old to be cast on the Real World. I am officially an old fart. However, I am not too old to be cast on Big Brother, or Survivor. So there's that.
I am probably too heavy to be cast on America's Top Model.
I am too thin to be on The Biggest Loser.
I am too grossed out to be cast on Fear Factor.
I am too bad with following directions to be cast on The Amazing Race.
I'm not good enough at taking direction, so I won't be cast on Martha's Apprentice
I laugh too much at Trump's hair to be cast on his Apprentice.
I am engaged, so I can't be on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette (or I guess I could, but that would be scandalous and I'd probably get dumped and/or punched)
I am not a B or C or D celebrity, so I won't get cast on Surreal Life or Celebrity Mole, or Celebrity Boxing.
I am not hot enough for Are You Hot?
I am not repulsive or odd enough for Extreme Makeover
My house has not been hit by a tornado or extreme poverty and I'm not missing a mother or father or limb, so I probably will never be suprised by Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
I don't live in the Los Angeles or New York area, so despite trying, The Greggster will never get help from the Fab Five on Queer Eye.
I REFUSE to apply for Temptation Island
I'm not funny enough for Last Comic Standing
I'm not talented enough for American Idol
I'm not desperate enough to apply for The 70's House

I think the only chance I have, here, is to show up on a really bad hair day at Jonathan Salon, willing to shell out about a thousand dollars and hope to God that I show up on Blow Out. Maybe like a nice before and after shot?

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

When the Shit Hits the Blow-dryer

I knew everything would go awry yesterday as soon as I learned I'd be the only director on-duty here at the Y. All the other directors were probably recovering from their respective Columbus Day parties. I, on the other, was just recovering from a cold.

A number of incidents occurred yesterday, but nothing can compete w/ the guy who got electrocuted in the men's locker room. He filled out an incident report and everything. How, you may be wondering, did he electrocute himself??? He was blow-drying his ass. I have the incident report to prove it.

Just another day at the YMCA.

Monday, October 10, 2005


How's that for a heading? So anyway, I was looking through my wallet over the weekend (it rained a lot) and discovered a list I created my sophomore year of college. The topic? Characteristics of an ideal girlfriend/wife. Granted, those things have changed somewhat, but some still ring true. Here are 10 traits I now need in a woman. She must:

1. not be an only child
2. be physically active (the exercise kind, though the other kind is great, too)
3. not have a cat
4. be able to make me laugh, and not laugh at everything I say
5. appreciate poetry
6. be self-confident
7. enjoy live music (anything w/out actual instruments doesn't count)
8. take less than an hour to get ready to go out
9. genuinely like the taste of beer
10. be smart (I don't need an aeronautical engineer, but I don't want an airhead)