Two Elon alumni (2002) have pooled their talents to bring excitement and joy to your day. One is a classy woman who combines her Italian and feminine powers to influence men of all shapes and sizes. The other is a tall blond man who relies on wit and boyish good looks to impress women, especially when they're drunk. Join them in their epic pursuit of the phenomenon known as adulthood. NoSalesTax side effects may include addiction and abrupt laughter as colleagues look on in confused jealousy.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Question of the day

Why can't monsters get along with other monsters?

lessons from my parents

I read a blog today that listed the things a person had learned from each of her parents. I started thinking about all the things I have learned from my own parents…Here is a short list of some of those things….try to figure out which ones I learned from my mom and which ones I learned from papa dukes:

How to clean and eat a crab
How to go clamming in a bay with my feet
How to braid my hair
Men are sexual predators
To save money for the future
To spend money because you never know what will happen
To ask, “What’s a hundred dollars in the course of a lifetime?”
To demand respect from authority figures
Never be intimidated by anyone
How to make hummus
How to make frosting
How to love a kitchen and all it’s creations
How to give a teacher shit and get away with it
How to shoot a gun
How to skin a duck
How to change a tire
Never lie
To say, “Don’t buy that, I can make that.”
To make dinner for two
To make dinner for 40
How to put my own feelings second or third to someone else
How to love
How not to love
How to pick battles
How to ask for help
When not to ask for help
How to fish
How to cut up squid and bait a pole in a way that ensures maximum use and effectiveness
To love my curly hair
When to say goodbye
When to hang on
How to hide purchases
How to make a toilet sparkle
How to sew
The difference between girls and boys
Girls can do anything boys can do, even peeing standing up (actually, it was my sister, boogerhead, who taught me this)
How to hold a grudge
How to yell effectively
How to shut my trap

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

"Yo Rock, take her to da Zoo."

"Retards love the Zoo."

If there weren't enough reasons to love Sylvester Stallone (his movies, his mastery of the philly accent, his red and white shorts in Rocky 1, his KILLER lines in all of the Rocky movies, my dad's resemblance to the man, his smile, etc) here is another one:

Who wants to buy my subscription. Any takers?

Get over it.

Here is the Greggster's response to J-Mazz's last entry. Personally I am tired of responding to his pompous remarks about a good team. I know the Pats are good. No shit. But the Eagles made it this year, too. If anyone should you should understand what it's like to have loyalty to a team nobody thought could make it that far.
Without further ado, the Greggster:

Nothing to prove? It's the Super Bowl...another one that you scratched
out by 3 points.
JV - I don't know much about JV, I didn't spend much time on that level
(lettered in both basketball and baseball as a sophomore) but that's a
really good JV Champ if they can lose by only 3 points to 'The Dynasty'.
Hey, hats off to your team - they're won't get any argument
from most Philadelphia fans about that. But for people to say that the
Eagles weren't worthy opponents and aren't a great team is stupid.

Other then Manning, Culpepper, Favre and Brady who's on the top tier
level over McNabb? Who? Nobody. So that would place Donavan in the
Top 5 Category of best QB's.

I'm wondering why people think Mr. Terrell Owens is such a big
mouth...He doesn't talk trash while playing - EVER. Watch his games.
He never jaws back & forth with opposing players. He'll do a dance and
flap his arms - but correct me if I'm wrong, isn't that what 95% of the
players in the NFL do after a TD or INT or Sack? Yes - wow, I'm right
again. So don't classify T.O. with some immature, idiot named Freddie
Mitchell. Eagles fans know what Freddie is - he's a third string WR.
He has been and always will be. Actually, he'll be a fourth WR next
year behind Greg Lewis.
Rodney Harrison is great, Tedy Bruschi is great, Richard Seymour is
better then both of them...Vinatieri is great, Brady is super clutch and
has the poise of a real champion...Bellichick is a defensive
genius...Troy Brown - how could you not respect and like a guy who does
what he does...I'll stop now - you get the point.

But for any Patriot fan to say that the Eagles aren't worthy opponents
is dumb. As one of my friends from college who's from Mass and lives in
Boston and is a season ticket holder for the Pats, Sox, Celts and Bruins
(his parents are RICH) said to me yesterday on email:

"You're team is very good and tough. That first interception by McNabb hurt because
that took at least 3 points off the board. It wouldn't surprise me to
see them hold the Lombardi trophy soon."


Monday, February 07, 2005

My Four-Wheeled Motorcycle

Before I begin, I’d just like to clarify something. When I say “my car,” I mean the car my parents are lending me for a few months until I save up some money for a down payment on Larry’s successor. OK, here we go.

After enjoying a beautiful 50-degree day on Sat., I climbed into my car and headed north for Portland to visit my friend Sol and his g/f Alicia. They’ve been dating since high school. I really like spending time w/ them, esp. at their house. I can’t explain it, but it’s just a nice atmosphere. They’ve got that married chemistry I’ve never seen between my parents. And Alicia always cooks delicious meals to put in front of me. It’s amazing.

Anyway, I left around 5pm after packing an overnight bag and my Patriots-watching outfit (superstition requires me to wear the same clothes for each Pats postseason game). I would’ve left for Portland earlier, but my car is currently experiencing some technical difficulties. It basically sounds like I’m driving a giant motorcycle through the streets, which is why I like to travel in darkness. I can’t handle the stares. I get enough of those from humans of the opposite sex when I’m walking by.

Alicia had dinner ready when I arrived two hours later (pizza and salad), which forced me to contemplate a permanent move up to P-Town. We eventually made our way to the bar where two women immediately complimented me on my shirt. This shouldn’t warrant mentioning, but it was the first time I’d worn it and it only set me back six bucks at Express. That place has the best sales, I say. The best.

Fast forward to yesterday, the Super Bowl, the least climactic game of the Pats’ postseason this year. Seriously, this was the first game in which we had nothing to prove. We’d already shut down the NFL’s best offense, and followed that w/ 41 points on the league’s top-rated defense. Now we were matched up against the JV champions, an Eagles team that likes to talk. Even when their star trash-talker went down, a bench warmer stepped up to fill the void. I guess you need to be from Philly to root for this team, unless you’ve been infected w/ McNabb fever. I like the guy, and his soup, but I can’t list him as one of the league’s premier quarterbacks. I’m sorry, but I just can’t. OK, we’re getting off topic here.

So Sol and I spent Sunday afternoon watching the Celtics game, followed by past Patriots Super Bowl highlights on ESPN2. We also managed to make it outside for a half hour to throw the football around. Alicia filled our bellies w/ turkey sandwiches, spinach and artichoke dip, cheese and crackers, and meatball subs for dinner. Meanwhile, back in Africa, a small tribe feasted on berries and beetles.

Some quick highlights from the game that made the dynasty official:

Alicia: You know, Sol (my most mild-mannered friend), there are a lot of people who’d be shocked to see how you act when you watch sports (shouting profanities angrily).
Sol: Fuck ‘em.

Me: Wanna play swords (as I cut in front of Sol as we raced for the bathroom)?
Sol: Um….
Me: NO!

Oh, and if you have a video phone, I will be more than happy to send you my 15-second film entitled “Sol’s Celebration After Harrison’s Second Pick Sealed the Game.”

Not today. Not tomorrow. Not in our HOUSE.

If anyone was wondering, Rodney Harrison had more catches than Freddie “The People’s Chump” Mitchell. Bravo, Freddie. Bravo. Be sure to bring something to read at the unemployment office.