Attention: Barry Bonds

Will MLB's drug tests adapt? If not, maybe this will allow Bonds' body to become proportional once again.

Friday at the Teen Center

Just finished playing a best-of-three Eight Ball tournament, which followed a best-of-three Nine Ball tournament. The kicker? I played against Riley, one of the few middle school students who comes to the Center. If you've never lost to a kid shorter than his cue stick, you haven't lived. He wears a big metal chain that resembles a dog's choke collar, only it's very loose on him and hangs down to his navel. His braces make it slightly difficult to understand what he's saying, and he's the ultimate trash-talker when it comes to billiards. I'll be sizing up a very makeable shot, and he'll come over w/ his soft prepubescent voice and say, "Nope. Not possible." Sure enough, the four ball will rim out (is that proper billiards lingo?) or the cue ball will go in the wrong direction thanks to the battered cue sticks we have here at the Center (six cue sticks, zero cue stick tips). Chalking the plastic end seems to have no effect on the ball. Go figure.

In other news, I already miss my roomies in DC. Well, most of 'em. I don't miss the 19-year-old girl who thinks anything w/ two legs and a penis is hot. I always shuddered when she'd walk into the kitchen some mornings in an unusually good mood, only to be followed by some strange-looking guy. Ugh. I live w/ two people right now. We'll call 'em Kerri and Heath, to protect their identities, and mine. Apparently they made a deal that she would wash the floors if he took out the trash. Sure enough, I'd been living there less than a week, and they started arguing cuz Heath hadn't yet taken out the trash. Our landlord (really nice guy) ended up taking it out, which bugged Kerri cuz she and the landlord are friends. Anyway, to make a short story long, the argument ended w/ nothing settled aside from me volunteering to be "trash man." Hopefully that will override Heath's solution, which is to leave a trash can beneath one of our windows so we can just drop the bag into the can. Maybe his new blog name should be Lieutenant Lazy.

Now that I've compared my DC and Boston roomies, let's compare DC and Boston friends. Oh, wait, I don't have any Boston friends. I'll keep ya posted.

Baseball?

I’m considering being the best girlfriend in the world….but the decision might also make me the most annoyed girlfriend in the world. As Ricky would say, I have a lot of ‘splainin to do…
Do you like baseball? I like baseball. I like baseball a LOT. Nothing like being at a game. Likewise, I really enjoy watching it on TV- either I pay close attention and really enjoy the game, or I lay down on Greggster’s lap and listen to the lull of the crowd, the announcer…I fall asleep to the waves of roars and cracks of bats.
Greggster LOOOOVES baseball. I don’t think I can emphasize that enough. LOOOOOOOOOVES. He literally memorizes the Sports Illustrated Almanac every year. It makes for wonderful pillow talk.
Major League Baseball has come up with a lil diddy called MLB.TV. For $79.99 you too can enjoy over 97% of MLB games throughout the season from the comfort of your very own home, as they are streamed directly onto your computer screen. Which means, no matter how far away you are from the team you grew up loving, you can watch them play whenever and wherever you want (because you can watch the games live or at any later time you choose).
The sweetie pie lovey-dovey-mushy-mama/ love-to-watch-men-in-baseball-pants-maniac in me wants to make the Greggster’s year and get this for him. The woman who actually enjoys doing other activities/having real conversations/seeing the light of day during baseball season is smacking me in the bum right now….
I’m gonna need some help with this one, J-Mazz and loyal readers……..

Calculate THIS!

I recently started tracking the number of calories I consume each day with a website called FitDay.com. I have created a monster.
It’s a pretty comprehensive site; you can calculate the number of calories you eat, fat, carbs, etc. It calculates how many of your calories come from fat, sugar, carbs, protein- you name it.
You can pick a category of food- like vegetables, and you choose from their list what you ate. Then it automatically adds whatever you pick to your daily total.
You can also input the type of activities you do and how many calories you burn. For example, merely sitting in my office, typing, answering my phone and gossiping with coworker’s burns approximately 251 calories. 30 minutes of running burns about 300 calories. Likewise, every day, just by living and breathing, I burn about 1500 calories. Apparently I am high strung.
The bad part- I no sooner eat my oatmeal, finish my tea or eat my soup then I’m on the site, adding it up. If I see numbers I don’t like, I can guilt myself into not eating anything else. And if I see numbers I do like, then I don’t eat because it becomes a game. How low can I go?
Actually seeing what I put into my body is scary. It makes me very conscious of what I am doing. Yesterday looked pretty good (or pretty pathetic depending on how you look at it) until dinner time.
Last night I went out with friends and had 4 beers. I just “logged” those…Right now I am trying to decide how to enter various bits of bar food. I can’t find “Some nachos, a few pieces of soft pretzel with dip and several cheese fries” anywhere on this site. And I’d say that’s a pretty common night out with the girls. They need a “Bar Food” section. Sheesh.
I can’t decide if this is a good thing or not. Sometimes I border on neurotic when it comes to food, dieting and the likes. This site could perpetuate my issues. But then again, I am a female, and being thin, popular and beautiful are the most important things ever. And world peace.

New Job, New City, Same Ol' Champs

So I've been livin in Boston almost a week now, and I must say it's quite diff. from my previous living condition in DC. For starters, my neighbors don't shout racial slurs when I walk by. They instead say hello and smile. Also, I live in a house w/ two other twentysomethings in a quiet neighborhood near Harvard. Again, very diff. from the rowhouse on Highway 50 (aka New York Ave).

Instead of awakening to sirens, I now rise each morning to the insane screams and clapping of the fat woman upstairs who insists on letting her dog outside each day at 730am. I love it, esp. since I don't need to be at work till 10am. I might pick up a long leash at KMart today, so she can just drag the dog up the steps instead of clapping like a cheerleader long past her glory days. Or maybe I'll just get Newman and Kramer to take care of the dog.

I'm currently in the Teen Center, where I spend each afternoon until a Teen Center supervisor can be hired. It's not too bad here; most of them are good kids, but a few bad seeds have def. set up roots. There're two floors in the Teen Center, so it's difficult to monitor the activities of all the kids. Back in HS, it may have been funny to walk in on two kids making out. Not here. Trust me. Yesterday I lost track of a couple and figured they were downstairs. Sure enough, the lights were low and they were sitting on a couch looking very relaxed. The worst part is they'd just gotten back from CVS. I don't even wanna think of the possibilities. Disaster averted.

I spend much of my 2-6pm block playing pool and foosball w/ the teens, watching their video games and learning lotsa new rap songs. Is that even the cool name for it? Is it still called rap, or has it changed to "hip-hop?" Good God, when did I get so old? I still manage to impress them when I recognize songs from The Chronic and old-school Weird Al. Yes, HS kids are still listenin to Weird Al, proving once and for all that his style is timeless. He's like The Beatles of our generation. Well, not yours, Greggster. You're old.

Speaking of The Greggster, I feel burdened by the unbelievable expectations put on T-Rock and myself to keep Nosalestax the freshest blog in the cyber universe. Not havin a 'puter in my office (yet) leaves me the Teen Center as my only avenue for posting on the blog. It's tricky, supervising a bunch of horny teens and finding time for the blog. As I type, I'm sure some kids are swapping spit downstairs. Ugh. I'll try to keep the magic alive, but my presence on the blog may be scarce these first few weeks of YMCA work. Don't worry, I'll always be watching, like Sting in that creepy Police song. OK, I've gotsa get downstairs before kids start rounding the bases. Countdown three days till the dynasty is official. Go CHAMPS!

I'm Forever Her Girl...

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/6890961/

I got the best news yesterday…News that I have been waiting for, for years. News that changes my life, my spirit, my soul.

PAULA ABDUL IS GOING TO SING AGAIN!!!!!!

Maybe you didn’t hear me.

PAULA ABDUL IS GOING TO SING AGAIN!!!!

When I heard the news, I was transported back to a time when every morning I spent at least an hour drawing on a mole, positioning my crimped ponytail most-appropriately on the side of my head, and praying that one day I’d have boobs and dance moves like Paula.

My childhood friends and I would congregate in basements and sway back and forth to “Forever your Girl” and “Cold Hearted Snake”, wondering if we, too, would ever feel the rush of emotion, the love and the hate and tears it takes to write lyrics like,

“All the world’s a candy store, he’s been trick-or-treating. When it comes to true love, girl, with him there’s no one home.”

As did most girls, we had a little skit/choreographed dance number to “Opposites Attract.” I liked being Paula in the routine (and no doubt I looked the most like her), but no one else in our posse could remember MC Skat Cat’s rap lyrics (in the middle of the song) the way I could (I think it was the first rap I ever memorized. Shortly thereafter came TLC’s “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg”). So I usually had to be the cat. I was okay with that because I worked in a few complex moves to the number, a high kick at the beginning of the song, where the Paula wanna-be and I walked by each other, looked back, and kicked our leg up to our face. Then we kind of crossed around the room and the first rap part started.

But the day came when I got my chance to be Paula. Suzy, Kati and Christine, I think, kind of felt my pain and could see in my eyes that I deserved a chance. So late one afternoon in Kati’s basement I put on my mole, my leggings, my halter top, and I prepared myself to sing and dance my heart out.

The opening move-- the kick-- spun out of control.

When I kicked as high as I could, I hit my nose and flung myself backwards on to the ground. Bleeding ensued. My understudy filled in for the rest of the performance. After that I was pretty much always MC Skat Cat.

But in my own world, in my bedroom far away from basements and Suzy and Kati and Christine, I was always Paula. Sometimes I was a Laker girl, sometimes I was in my own music video, sometimes I was just me, feeling fabulous the way I was.

Paula made me feel like I could do anything. She still does. I longingly await her re-arrival.

Some questions I'd like answered, please

How is it possible to actually consume less calories in a day than you burn, and still not lose weight?
Why do people like Dr. Phil?
If I have a nice office with a window and my boss decides to move us to small cubes with no windows, why does he think I will want to continue working here?
How many people apply to be on “The Amazing Race” and what are my chances of actually getting on the show?
Did anyone see the girl with blue hair audition last night for “American Idol”?
Why does J-Mazz insist that the Pats will beat the Eagles?
Why did it take J-Mazz so long to get a haircut?
Why does the Greggster think I will continue to be his friend if he keeps insulting my blog?
How am I supposed to eat 6 to 11 servings of “grains” per day?

Junk Mail

I just got an email and the subject line was, "You can be thin, Philip."
Apparently someone thinks Philip needs to lose weight.
Or some jerk-off Spammer thinks people like me will get this email and say, "OH! Dieting secrets! Meant for Philip but sent to me by mistake!!!!"
Wrong. You can't fool me.
PS- I did read it and no, I do not want the super special deal for the amazing body wrap system.