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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Exploring Other Possibilites

In J-Mazz’s last entry, he wrote: “it's never too late to give up on dreams, no matter how old you are. Fear, for the most part, is the only thing preventing a change in job, relationship or address. What would you do if you weren't afraid?”

I believe this was, in part, a response to a previous entry I wrote where I discussed careers I would like to try. I believe he was trying to tell me that it’s never too late to try any of these things.

I think he is right. I think it’s never too late to try any of the things we think about, want, or feel passionately about. That day I felt like writing about career paths. But I think it is important to remember that people can strive to live dreams that don’t relate to their career. I think that’s where I am at right now.

For those who knew me in college, you would probably all agree that I was making a huge mistake, trying to live out a relationship that was too much like a car crash or a bad movie or a really, really depressing love song. I was sacrificing my life in terms of it all- my friendships, my heart, my intuition, my self respect…and then a friend came along and helped me realize that I did have dreams way beyond that. So I didn’t give up on my dream- I got over the fear of being alone, of having wasted 3 years, of making a mistake. So that’s what I did when I wasn’t afraid anymore. I moved on.

Maybe this isn’t the kind of change J-Mazz is talking about, but it was a life-altering change for me. And maybe when we dream, we dream in different terms, but I do still dream, and I do still try to live those dreams.

Driving to Montana to write for six months isn’t something I want to do. Neither is teaching tennis to kids in Europe. Maybe being a hair dresser or a Journalism teacher is, but just because I am not pursuing those things right now, doesn’t mean they don’t have a place in the future. It might mean that there are other things I want to do right now- do first.

Right now, (and if talking it makes you stop reading this blog- then bite me) I am pursuing another dream- having a real, solid, purposeful, healthy relationship with a good man. I am learning how to love someone for their faults, be loved for my own nuances, to communicate without worrying about sounding smart, to listen objectively, to accept reality, to take care of myself and someone else. I’m learning how to be the kind of person I want someone else to love.

This is a dream to me. And it might seem insignificant to some people, or wishy washy or unimportant, but J-Mazz said it best: we are all dying. And this kind of love is one I am not willing to live, or die without trying.

This doesn’t make me “better” or bigger or worse or silly, and it doesn’t make me less of a woman for needing this man. It just makes me, me.

I could die tomorrow without ever being a Journalism teacher. I could die never knowing what it is to be a press secretary. But I would die knowing I was in love and that it was good, and that I was loved in return, the way I always knew I should be. I could die knowing that I balanced a full time job, friends, making dinner, laughing with family and that I was truly happy being me.

Is that better than being a hairdresser? That’s a question we have to ask ourselves. I can’t answer it for anyone except me.


At 12:02 AM, Blogger Balto17 said...

Nice, introspective blog, T-Rock. I enjoyed it. Up until you told me to bite you. That confused me. But if it's what you want, it can be arranged.

Seriously though, I enjoyed reading your entry. I'm pleased to see that you are happy with your life. It appears that you have made some monumental changes. Kudos to you, good lady.

(And, even though you said it wasn't necessarily so, you are better than me. *sob*)

At 9:42 AM, Blogger Emiole said...

I think this is a fundamental difference between men and women. Most women I know, if they have loved well and been loved well in return feel they have accomplished something. And should my plane crash into a mountain or sea, I would die with the peace that I met a great love and got a chance to live out some of my life with him. Would I think about the fact that I never really liked my job? Never. My goal is to be the happiest I can be, and whatever makes a person feel happy, respected, and accomplished has to be respected.

Yay lady!

At 2:44 PM, Blogger J-Mazz said...

Emiole, are you calling me a man???


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