Two Elon alumni (2002) have pooled their talents to bring excitement and joy to your day. One is a classy woman who combines her Italian and feminine powers to influence men of all shapes and sizes. The other is a tall blond man who relies on wit and boyish good looks to impress women, especially when they're drunk. Join them in their epic pursuit of the phenomenon known as adulthood. NoSalesTax side effects may include addiction and abrupt laughter as colleagues look on in confused jealousy.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Tryptophan Thinking (Part One)

While watching Good Will Hunting tonight, I realized that I, just like Matt Damon’s character, have no idea what I want to do with my life. I had it all figured out a couple years ago, knew exactly what lay ahead. Now, closer to age 30 than 20, I’m absolutely clueless. I realize what my life won’t be like, who won’t be included and where I won’t live. Is this how it works? Do I just keep crossing people, places and jobs off a list of possible futures until I end up w/ a final product, like a children’s game involving folded paper and possible endings (Mash)?

As I sit here digesting turkey and stuffing, thoughts on life, past and future, weigh on me like a turkey stuck on my head. OK, so I saw it on Friends tonight, but I imagine it would weigh a lot. On the preceding Friends episode, Rachel tells Tag (her staff member she’s obsessed with) that she assumes everything in life will just work out. Her reasoning? Because it will. Although I share that philosophy, my definition is probably quite different. Some people are meant to find their perfect job, marry the perfect person, buy a house and start a family. I have friends like this. Others are destined to bounce around from career to career, occasionally date and live commitment-free in an apt. w/ no lease. Is there any evidence that one scenario is better than the other?

It’s taken me 25 years to figure out some of the things at which I excel, things I know I do better than others. Unfortunately, many of these attributes don’t parlay into paying jobs. For instance, there’re very few paychecks for someone who remembers everything. People aren’t lining up to learn how to hack (aka “play hackeysack”). And no one wants to hire someone because he’s mastered the art of peeing in the most inopportune locations while sleepwalking drunk.

So what else am I good at? Well, I’m definitely not good at identifying emotions. Seriously, I’m virtually hollow inside, often oblivious to other people’s feelings. As Modest Mouse sings, “I don’t feel and it feels great.” I can also be too laid back sometimes, a far cry from the person I was in high school, when I relished conflict. If conflict were a drug, I would’ve been doing lines of it off a hooker’s chest. Did I mention I suck at time management? But enough about the bad, here’re some things I do really, really well.

Lying – I don’t know why I’m so good at being dishonest (storytelling, as I like to call it), but it’s a talent I’m happy to have in my repertoire. As George Costanza once said, “It’s not a lie if you truly believe it.” The secret is knowing in your mind that what you’re saying is the truth. My vivid imagination also aids me in concocting some cockamamie story when in a bind. When my team got busted for drinking in AmeriCorps, we had a face-to-face meeting w/ Cecil, our unit leader (the position just below the head of our campus). I distinctly remember sitting on the dirt “field” w/ my teammates, listening to our team leader prep us for the possibility of being kicked out of the program. A lot was riding on this meeting. Finally, she made it clear we needed to designate one person and only one person to tell “the story” to Cecil. Everyone’s eyes immediately focused on me, and that’s when I knew I’d been chosen to take the game-winning shot. Our immediate futures were in my hands, and I had to deliver. And like any crucial David Ortiz at-bat, I succeeded. I convinced Cecil we hadn’t been drinking in our apartment, thus saving the year for my Ameri-friends and myself. Clutch.

Writing – Wow, you're thinking, what an arrogant bastard. This may be true to some degree, but it’s extremely important for people to know their strengths and weaknesses. Throughout college and even afterward, friends have told me I need to find a job writing. That’s a great idea, though I’m not sure how much money these blog posts and my notebooks of poetry could rake in. Then again, I have spent a year living on food stamps, so I’m definitely capable of living po’ once mo’. Know wut ahm sayin’, foo?

Scroll down for the second half of this post.


At 3:32 PM, Blogger Jane said...

Speaking of lying, did you know a girl name Jen H*lsh*e? (* = o) I went to summer school with her one year and she told everyone she had a kid. Then I met a a guy in college who knew her and said it wasn't true. She had even come up with all these elaborate stories such as newspaper articles about it, giving birth and taking her to Disneyland. I do know she wasn't lying about being from Keene though.

At 1:25 PM, Blogger J-Mazz said...

Ah yes, I remember Jen well. We used to have a thing together. In fact, I've been paying her every month for child support. Wait a minute...

At 3:55 PM, Blogger Balto17 said...

As Homer says, "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

Also, I remember MASH.

That is all.


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