Two Elon alumni (2002) have pooled their talents to bring excitement and joy to your day. One is a classy woman who combines her Italian and feminine powers to influence men of all shapes and sizes. The other is a tall blond man who relies on wit and boyish good looks to impress women, especially when they're drunk. Join them in their epic pursuit of the phenomenon known as adulthood. NoSalesTax side effects may include addiction and abrupt laughter as colleagues look on in confused jealousy.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Not a snowball's chance...

Today I realized I am probably too old to be cast on the Real World. I am officially an old fart. However, I am not too old to be cast on Big Brother, or Survivor. So there's that.
I am probably too heavy to be cast on America's Top Model.
I am too thin to be on The Biggest Loser.
I am too grossed out to be cast on Fear Factor.
I am too bad with following directions to be cast on The Amazing Race.
I'm not good enough at taking direction, so I won't be cast on Martha's Apprentice
I laugh too much at Trump's hair to be cast on his Apprentice.
I am engaged, so I can't be on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette (or I guess I could, but that would be scandalous and I'd probably get dumped and/or punched)
I am not a B or C or D celebrity, so I won't get cast on Surreal Life or Celebrity Mole, or Celebrity Boxing.
I am not hot enough for Are You Hot?
I am not repulsive or odd enough for Extreme Makeover
My house has not been hit by a tornado or extreme poverty and I'm not missing a mother or father or limb, so I probably will never be suprised by Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
I don't live in the Los Angeles or New York area, so despite trying, The Greggster will never get help from the Fab Five on Queer Eye.
I REFUSE to apply for Temptation Island
I'm not funny enough for Last Comic Standing
I'm not talented enough for American Idol
I'm not desperate enough to apply for The 70's House

I think the only chance I have, here, is to show up on a really bad hair day at Jonathan Salon, willing to shell out about a thousand dollars and hope to God that I show up on Blow Out. Maybe like a nice before and after shot?


At 2:47 PM, Blogger Balto17 said...

You're also not in the LA area, so X can't come and pimp your ride.

Also, you don't have to have talent to be an American Idol winner.

The real moral here, though, is: DON'T WATCH REALITY TV! For the love of God, save yourself.

At 5:04 PM, Blogger J-Mazz said...

Yo, Rock, maybe you and the Greggster could be on the new season of Strange Love. Or, in a couple years, you can be on Trading Spaces.

As for me, I'll be featured in the next season of The Simple Life, just Paris and me cruising small-town America, meeting the locals and re-enacting her hit film, One Night in Paris.

At 1:31 AM, Blogger Balto17 said...

Ohhhhhh schnap!!!! Flava Flave!!!!! You already have the cool old-school rapper handle: T-Rock. Now, Greggster's a little too white, but you're half-way to being the next Strang Love couple.

At 1:48 PM, Blogger Gregg M. Schmidt said...

We would win the Amazing Race!


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