NoSalesTax

Two Elon alumni (2002) have pooled their talents to bring excitement and joy to your day. One is a classy woman who combines her Italian and feminine powers to influence men of all shapes and sizes. The other is a tall blond man who relies on wit and boyish good looks to impress women, especially when they're drunk. Join them in their epic pursuit of the phenomenon known as adulthood. NoSalesTax side effects may include addiction and abrupt laughter as colleagues look on in confused jealousy.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Top-4 Seinfeld Episodes

I just got back from the gym during my two-hour lunch break. God, I’m gonna miss this job. Today was especially grand because the Y put in new floor mats in the showers, giving the entire bathing facility a bright yellow shine. It’s kinda like walking into the sun, but w/out the whole burning feeling.

After almost a year of attending the Downtown DC YMCA, my eyes have learned to stay focused ahead and never down. Still, a naked old man will occasionally cross my field of vision. Quick question: At what age do men decide they’re just gonna walk around the locker room naked, holding a towel in their hand rather than having it wrapped around their waist? If anyone knows, I’d like to hear the answer. And why is it the older a man gets, the stranger his activities become while naked in the locker room? The other day I noticed a guy sitting on one of the stools reading the newspaper. He was butt naked. On my way out of the locker room today, I noticed an elderly man bending over to dry his hair beneath the hand blower by the sink. Just picture that for a second, just so you can offer me some empathy. Yesterday I encountered an elderly man doing naked pushups beside his locker. OK, I made up the pushups story, but the others are true.

Does this stuff happen in the women’s locker room, as well? I wish I could compare, but I’m still waiting for my wig. All this talk reminds me of a classic Seinfeld episode dealing w/ “good naked” and “bad naked.” The aforementioned scenarios are all bad naked. Trust me. Speaking of the greatest TV show in history, let’s get to the Top-4 Seinfeld episodes! On a side note, choosing my four favorite episodes is like asking an NBA player to choose his four favorite groupies; every one is appreciated, and dozens stand out as memorable, but there can only be four favorites. Here goes.

Runner-Up: The Contest
This was probably the defining episode for the show, an entire half hour dedicated to four friends challenging each other and themselves to refrain from masturbating. This episode meant so much to me that my friends and I participated in our own “contest” while living on Catalina Island. Memorable Moment: To keep himself from looking at the naked woman in the apt. across the street, Jerry sings along to Tiny Toons while Kramer sings him the play-by-play of the goings-on across the street.

4. The Cigar Store Indian
Jerry buys a cigar store Indian for Elaine to impress her friend, who happens to be Native American. This leads to an entire episode dealing w/ the overly touchy topic of racism. This is also the episode we learn of Frank Costanza’s TV Guide collection. George brings home a woman while housesitting for his parents and leaves the condom wrapper in his parents’ bed. Whoops! Memorable Moment: Jerry tells the Native American woman they’re going out to a fancy restaurant. She can’t believe it because they’re always so crowded, to which Jerry responds, “It’s OK, I made reser—,” stopping before possibly offending her. He then announces they have floor seats to the Knicks game after he “got tickets from a scal—,” again stopping for fear of saying the wrong thing.

3. The Bizarro Jerry
Elaine finds a new crew of friends that are the exact opposites of Jerry, George and Kramer. Falling back on his Superman thought process, Jerry refers to Elaine’s new friend as “The Bizarro Jerry.” This is also the episode Elaine sets Jerry up w/ her friend, who happens to have gigantic “man hands.” In fact, George and Jerry refer to her as “Man Hands” throughout the episode. George discovers a secret club scene filled w/ supermodels who become attracted to him once he tells them his fiancée died and displays a picture of her (really a picture of Man Hands). Memorable Moment: Jerry and Man Hands are out to dinner. She wipes an eyelash from his face (w/ a huge hand) and tells him to make a wish. He closes his eyes and blows the eyelash away, then looks at her hands and says, “Didn’t come true.”

2. The Non-Fat Yogurt
I think I just like this episode because it uses the “bleep” multiple times. For instance, the beginning scene takes place in a frozen yogurt shop. Jerry leans back and says, “This yogurt is so f*cking good!” just as the store owner’s wife and young son walk by. Memorable Moment: At the end of the episode, after the yogurt shop goes outta business cuz Jerry and Elaine prove the yogurt isn’t fat-free, the owner’s son walks up to Jerry and says, “Thanks for ruining my daddy’s business, you fat f*ck.” Maybe the greatest line in Seinfeld history.

1. The Voice
This episode has quite a bit going on. George’s boss at Play Now tries to make him quit with a variety of unconventional tactics. Jerry’s g/f’s stomach moves when she sleeps, as if it were talking. He thus creates a voice for the stomach (Hellooooooooo) and makes the mistake of telling her. She gives him an ultimatum: her or the voice. I think my friends and I “did the voice” for weeks afterward. Kramer gets an intern to work at “Kramerica,” and together they test out his bladder idea with a giant ball of oil. Memorable Moment: Jerry knocks on his g/f’s door w/ an answer to her ultimatum: “Hellllooooooo!” as she slams the door in his face.

2 Comments:

At 10:39 AM, Blogger Gregg M. Schmidt said...

I'm laughing so hard here! I know what you mean...when do men get to the point in there lives when they suddenly say, "Hey, today at the gym I'm going to prance around the locker room butt naked." Why? Why would you want to do that? But a friggin towel around yourself...

Anyway - when you guys started talking about cartoons I knew Seinfeld was soon to come.

We Ride

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger J-Mazz said...

So, Greggster, wishin you'd joined the Y?

 

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