NoSalesTax

Two Elon alumni (2002) have pooled their talents to bring excitement and joy to your day. One is a classy woman who combines her Italian and feminine powers to influence men of all shapes and sizes. The other is a tall blond man who relies on wit and boyish good looks to impress women, especially when they're drunk. Join them in their epic pursuit of the phenomenon known as adulthood. NoSalesTax side effects may include addiction and abrupt laughter as colleagues look on in confused jealousy.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Top-4 Mutant Powers

Top-4 Mutant Powers

Being able to fall asleep in random places. I have always been able to fall asleep pretty much anywhere. My parents have photographs documenting my history of napping in strange places. For instance, pictures from my sixth birthday party show a very blond little boy with his head resting on the hamburger in front of him, eyes closed as friends sit at the table and chow down. My power hasn’t weakened with age; I dozed off on the steps of The Vatican last fall, much to the disbelief of my g/f at the time. It’s amazing what a dark pair of sunglasses can do for sleep quality when outdoors.

Rearranging letters to make words. Some people grab the daily paper just to tackle the crossword puzzle. I prefer the Jumbles, however, just like my great-grandmother (Nana). Maybe it’s hereditary. I’m not sure how long most people spend on the Jumbles, but I’m usually done in two minutes, tops. When I was younger, I’d look at words and spell new words from the letters (i.e. Colorado became “cool road” and Maniac Magee became “CIA name game”). I didn’t set out to do this; the words just came to me as I’d read things. Damn, I was cool.

An unparalleled memory. My ability to remember things is really something to marvel. Like many mutant powers, there’s no explanation for this ability, and it often interferes with my everyday life. I can remember birthdays of second-grade classmates even though I haven’t spoken to them in more than 15 years. Do I really need to know Michael Howard was born Jan. 24, 1979? Does it matter that my third-grade crush, Bea Putnam, was born March 6, 1980? I don’t think so. Then again, it’s always nice to remember who my friends are dating, how they met, etc. And people are always impressed if you remember the first time you met them (including hot girls). It’s also great reciting lines from all nine seasons of Seinfeld. The downside to remembering everything may be obvious. I still recall every fight I’ve had w/ a girlfriend, every nasty thing someone’s said to me, every time someone’s let me down. I think Peter Parker sums up my memory dilemma quite nicely at the end of Spider-man when he says, “This is my gift, my curse.” And while we’re talking about super heroes, alcohol is definitely the kryptonite to my memory. Sometimes it takes weeks for me to learn what happened during a nite of drinking.

Typing without looking. This power comes in handy at work when I’m busy posting on the blog or checking porn. I mean email. It also enables me to stare at colleagues as they try to concentrate on their own work, wondering why I’m looking at them. I’m also a fast typist, thanks to my keyboarding class frosh year of HS. In fact, it only took me two minutes to type this entire post.

1 Comments:

At 8:25 AM, Blogger T-Rock said...

Yeah, you do have an incredible memory. And i am reminded of that every time i start to tell you a story, and you finish it for me...because i have already told it to you. Sheesh.
Fyi- had a nosebleed this morning. Only lasted about 10 minutes.

 

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