Two Elon alumni (2002) have pooled their talents to bring excitement and joy to your day. One is a classy woman who combines her Italian and feminine powers to influence men of all shapes and sizes. The other is a tall blond man who relies on wit and boyish good looks to impress women, especially when they're drunk. Join them in their epic pursuit of the phenomenon known as adulthood. NoSalesTax side effects may include addiction and abrupt laughter as colleagues look on in confused jealousy.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Top 4 Mutant Powers

Everyone loves lists. Our first installment of the TOP 4 will be: Top 4 Mutant Powers. Everyone has mutant powers. We want to celebrate ours. Feel free to share your mutant powers with us, too! (Well, share as in tell us about them. We don't want to take your mutant powers. They are your mutant powers.)

1. Being able to run into things at any time while laughing about it and making others uncomfortable. I am clumsy. I know this. Some other people don’t yet realize that I am always clumsy. Not sometimes clumsy, ALWAYS clumsy. Like when I started this job, my boss took me out to lunch on my first day. I saw water on the floor. I knew it was coming. I slipped and fell and landed on my knees and hands. I laughed hysterically. He look scared, mortified and like he might have made a BIG mistake when he hired me. So I just got up, told him I was fine, I was clumsy and it was no big deal. He has since looked very surprised when I tripped in the office kitchen and spilled water. Why? I told him I was always clumsy….

2. Marathon nosebleeds. Unfortunately, this power has somewhat faded with age. I still have an occasional 20 minute-er, but when I was a kid, even up through college, these things would last 40-50 minutes. That’s how you know who your real friends are. Someone who will sit next to you for an hour while you squeeze your nose, blood crusts on your hand, and your mom is freaking out… a TRUE friend. You know who you are.
My nosebleeds are crazy because 30 seconds before its going to happen (kind of like with the tripping and falling thing) I know it’s coming. My nose starts to tingle…..and then it flows. And it flows. And it flows. When I was a kid it scared me because I thought if I lost enough blood I might die. But now it’s more annoying than anything.
One time in high school I was arm wrestling this guy, Pete, and he was huge and strong and I was putting everything I had into it….and I got the tingle. WHOOOOSH!!!!! Blood everywhere. Only time I ever saw Pete scared.

3. Magnet for horrible pickup lines. Seriously, it takes some skill to be the girl who gets hit on by the WORST men (with the exception of one lovely bub I can’t get enough of) at bars, clubs, anywhere! I know all women think they get hit on by weirdos, but no. I win this one. They scope me out. They find me….and then they say things like:

Horrible man: Do you read Harry Potter books?
Me: No.
HM: Do you read at all?
Me: No. (Exit stage right)

HM: When was the last time you got a haircut?
Me: A few months ago.
HM: Oh, so you’re in that growing out stage, huh?
Me:………… (mortified and ready to put him in a headlock)

4. I’m one crafty lady. You name it, I can sew, crochet, color, bead or decoupage it. As long as you don’t mind it being too small, the wrong color, a little distorted or a little flashy (or trashy) I can make it. I have 8 boxes under my bed filled with craft supplies. You name it, I got it. And if you mess with me or Delaware, for that matter, I’ll sew up a can of whoop ass and make you wish you had never been born, buddy!


At 11:24 AM, Blogger Emily said...

Ok - so my mutant power is my incredible ability to overanalyze any situation put in front of me. No joke, I obsess and obsess and obsess until people (mainly my friends) disappear all together. You'd really have to see it to believe it.


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